We had been trying to get pregnant since our first wedding anniversary in November. Something I never thought would cause any difficulties really, I thought the process was simple enough and that everything would go to plan.
The first pregnancy test we tried came back negative. We'd gone away to Iceland for a few days and I was so convinced we'd returned with a baby on board. I felt protective over Jackeline's every move. Everything she did, I ensured she took extra care and everything she consumed, I gave a quick risk assessment to.
It was disappointing, admittedly. We kept our brave faces on, but in reality I was gutted. What had we done wrong? Had I not taken enough care of myself? Was I simply not healthy enough? What if years of casual alcohol consumption had deemed my little swimmers unfit for purpose..?
Jackeline reassured me that it was perfectly normal, and that some people wait up to a year before getting pregnant. A quick google search backed up those claims, although it didn't make me feel much more at ease. We were just going to have to be patient, and I was going to have to accept that.
December was our second disappointment. We'd made the plan to check on Christmas Day, hoping for an extra special Christmas miracle - but again, it wasn't to be. We took the positives from this, at least Jackeline could relax and drink/eat whatever she wanted... We were gutted though, and I found it hard to take a second rejection.
December was our second disappointment. We'd made the plan to check on Christmas Day, hoping for an extra special Christmas miracle - but again, it wasn't to be. We took the positives from this, at least Jackeline could relax and drink/eat whatever she wanted... We were gutted though, and I found it hard to take a second rejection.
January came around pretty quickly, and once more we were due to take a test - I was approaching this date with pessimism, and rightly so. Jackeline's body told us quite firmly that there was no need for a test, this wasn't our month either. I took this one harder than I did the last and I'd essentially convinced myself that I couldn't get her naturally pregnant. I felt dejected and a bit useless, which got me down in the dumps. I was starting to genuinely think that we weren't going to make this happen, that it wasn't possible. I was starting to consider the fact that we might have to adopt one day, which is something we are both open to but only if we couldn't make it work ourselves.
As with any married couple, the question of kids always pops up. I was finding myself getting more and more sensitive to these questions. It was no longer a matter of choice, but it was something that wasn't happening anyway - I felt defensive. There could be a million reasons why a married couple don't have children, and most of them aren't because of a decision that has been made. It has certainly made me more aware of questions I ask long term couples.. It simply is none of my business, and if they want to confide in me then so be it.
Trying for a baby the fourth time after three failed attempts was tough. I had been taking care of my body, training for a half marathon and eating much healthier, but I just didn't think I was capable of making this work. My mood took a bit of a dip, and it had a negative affect on our relationship. I'm quite a sensitive chap, really. If I take something to heart, I really feel it and this was one of those things. I found it difficult particularly as I had nobody to talk to about this. It was our secret, but we were both trying our best and still failing. What can you do but keep trying?
Today, before I woke up, Jackeline took a pregnancy test. 4 months after we'd started trying.
She had told me she was due to take it on Valentine's Day, so I had absolutely no idea she was going to have a sneaky check a day early. It was barely on my mind, to be honest. I assumed we'd fail again, so I wasn't really counting down the days. It was more a matter of bracing myself before taking another blow of bad news.
That wasn't the case at all.
I heard her get up for work. I rolled over and continued to snooze. Just another normal morning.
The next thing I knew, she'd burst into the room, turned on the light and given me a Valentine's Day card. 'Fair enough', I thought. She's in a rush to get to work, and we had a little plan to celebrate Valentine's Day a day early. I open the card, half asleep.
I'm aware that she's picked up her phone and is filming my reaction.
The first line in the card read "This has to be one of the best days in my life".. 'Ok' I thought 'I mean, we got married and everything but some people do really like Valentine's Day' so I carried on reading. She'd drawn a little picture near the bottom but I had no idea what it was..
She continued to stare at me, camera phone pointing at me..
"One of the best days in your life?" I asked.
"YES!" she said as she whipped forward a positive pregnancy test from behind her back.
Utter shock. I froze. I didn't know what to say.
"PINGY!!" I said, my nickname for her... "It worked!!"
Emotions? Somewhere between shock, excitement, relief and disbelief followed by an overwhelming surge of pride and love. It's hard to describe, really. Shit just got real... I was now wide awake, and I grabbed her tight, giving her showers of hugs and kisses. I couldn't believe it.
The smile hasn't left my face all day.
The smile hasn't left my face all day.
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