Day 262
21:47
I'm sitting on the floor of our front room. Jackeline is feeding baby behind me on the sofa, whilst my Mum potters about the house. Our baby is experiencing her 3rd day in the outside world, having stayed inside for almost 2 weeks beyond the due date.
Everything is calm, there is a sense of love and pride in the air. You'd be forgiven for thinking that we've had a magical week..
The truth is, our birth story is only magical at the very end. It is graphic, frustrating and distressful. I initially planned on telling you the whole story with all of the details included, but the reality is that it isn't worth it. Here's a day by day guide of what we went through.. I can save the gory details to chat about over a drink some time.
Thursday 26th October
Jackeline starts experiencing her first contractions as I get home from work (around 23:30). We are very excited and both have a night of poor sleep owing to excitement and the fact that she is contracting every 10-15 minutes.
Friday 27th October
Contractions continue. I call my Mum, expecting we'll be in hospital later in the day. A midwife comes round to our house and successfully performs a membrane sweep. That night we hit 24 hours worth of contractions so call the labour line for advice. They are no help to us whatsoever. I maybe manage 2 hours of sleep and encourage Jackeline to nap between contractions. She tries, but multiple 2 minute naps lead to her feeling more tired and frustrated than before.
Saturday 28th October
Contractions continue and are pretty intense, but not close enough together to go in to hospital. We spend the day getting comfortable and preparing for another night of no sleep. Again, I manage a small amount whilst Jackeline gets her longest sleep yet - 30 minutes! It's a long night as the clocks go back in the early hours.
Sunday 29th October
We are resigned to this continuing throughout the day, though it now feels like torture for Jackeline who is in agony. We stay positive, knowing that we are booked for induction the following day anyway.
Monday 30th October
We go to hospital for induction at 10:30am, 84 hours after contractions began. Jackeline starts with the gas & air, which is offering only light relief. She is given a pessary, and finally things appear to be progressing - though at a painfully slow rate. We hit midnight still in the induction ward.
Tuesday 31st October
02:00 - Jackeline's waters break. We are transferred to the Oasis Birthing Centre in order to carry out our intended birth plan of a pool birth.
We get there to be told that baby is too large for a pool birth, but we can use the pool for pain relief.
06:00 Jackeline wants to push but it is far too early. The midwife decides we are not a low risk birth and so other plans should be made.
07:00 Jackeline is given pethidine to help her sleep. It doesn't help her sleep, and just makes her incredible drowsy. The midwife leaves us without saying anything. I later discover she went home.
10:30 A new midwife attends to us and is brilliant. We have now been in hospital 24 hours, and Jackeline has experienced contractions now for 108 hours. She is in bits. We make a plan to have an epidural and hormone drip in order to speed things up, but to do so we need a room on the delivery ward.
We are told of an emergency that has taken priority over us for the available room, so we are forced to wait.
15:30 Jackeline has a breakdown, my Mum is in attendance to offer me support as we are both tired and distressed.
17:00 We finally have a room to go to. Relief fills the air.
18:30 In the delivery ward, the midwife discovers that the baby's heart rate drops at every contractions and tells me to pull the emergency button, which I do. The room fills with medical staff. They tell the midwife that there's nothing to worry about.
18:40 The midwife spots that the issue is continuing, and asks me to pull the button again. Medical staff again fill the room, the midwife is again told that it's ok.
18:50 The midwife reluctantly tells me to pull the emergency button again, stating 'they're going to hate me'. Fewer medical staff come into the room, they crack jokes with each other. Nothing is done. It is decided that the baby's heart trace isn't strong enough to handle an epidural.
19:30 A shift change brings us a new midwife (one that had attended to us the previous night). She tells us she'll get us an epidural and informs Jackeline to come off of gas & air as it makes baby drowsy.
20:00 Jackeline is in agony and begs for a c-section. I ask how we go about getting a c-section formally, and I'm told we simply ask for one. The midwife indicates that she thinks we're headed that way anyway so goes to fetch a doctor.
20:30 Jackeline is convinced by a team of experts that an epidural is lower risk, and that the heart trace is fine. Reluctantly, Jackeline agrees to the original epidural plan but states that she'd be too weak to push anyway. She's told that she'll feel like 'a different woman' after the epidural so she'll be able to sleep, and will be fine to push.
20:50 We finally have our epidural, but Jackeline still feels pain. Still on the gas & air, she has a strong stitch like pain and thus cannot sleep. Midwife spots that baby's heart rate is dropping with every contraction, and encourages Jackeline to change her position between each contraction to see if it improves. Jackeline is still in agony.
21:45 We are given three options, one of which is a c-section, which we take. Things happen fairly quickly after that and we are taken to theatre. I'm given scrubs and told to wait outside theatre whilst Jackeline is taken in.
22:20 I'm called into theatre to sit with Jackeline who is looking worried. I hold her hand and stroke her cheek, our ordeal is nearly over.
22:29 Eleanor Wendy Cartwright is born, weighing in at 8lbs 12oz.
All in all we had a very mixed experience. We had some very poor treatment, borderline negligent. We also had some fantastic treatment. That all, however, misses the point.
The most important and wonderful thing about our whole experience is that Eleanor is perfectly healthy and well. Jackeline is beaten up on the inside and is recovering, but we expect her to be perfectly healthy too. Furthermore, I got my Halloween baby!
As a new father, I'm so proud and in love. My wife is absolutely incredible. I couldn't imagine the pride I'd feel for her. The ordeal she was put through is just beyond words, she impressed me from the very first contraction and she fought through everything that was thrown at her with the baby always being her priority. At times, she kept me strong. I wish I had the vocabulary to express how insanely proud I am of her, but I just don't have the words to do it justice.
I look at my daughter and I can't quite believe how beautiful she is. She's lucky enough to look just like her mother. She is utterly perfect.
Me? I'm fine. I'm exhausted from the ordeal, but have rested now. I'm thrilled to become a Dad and every moment spent with Eleanor is incredibly special. I'm happily on nappy duty and I'm taking any opportunity I can to assist in one way or another.
So that is the timeline of our story. We stayed in hospital for two extra nights after the birth, and then discharged ourselves before we could be kept in for a third.
As suggested, words can't quite describe the emotions running through my veins. I am an enthusiastic and besotted Dad, and Eleanor will keep me wrapped around her little finger for years to come.
Friday 17 November 2017
Tuesday 5 September 2017
Day 204
Tomorrow we hit the 34 weeks stage. 34?! Theoretically baby could arrive any time now.. Obviously we'd like her to stay in a bit longer, but it's not unheard of to be this early. That's mad.
I'm sort of in denial at the moment. I feel like we have ages. I'm making plans as though it's definitely going to happen around the due date, but I really could be in for a surprise.
We had our baby shower yesterday, which was lovely. Good to see a few faces we haven't seen for a while and to enjoy the company of those we only see at work.. We had intended on it being outside, but the weather wasn't too kind to us and we brought it inside pretty early on which was a bit cramped but worked well enough! We had the guests all guess at which names we might have picked, and so I'm keeping quiet as to whether anybody got the right one..!
Plans from here? Relax. Enjoy the last few weeks of this, make everything as stress free as possible.
We've always had little checkpoints along the way that we've been ticking off - we had the scans, the trip to Lanzarote, the trip to France, the Baby Shower. Next up is Wembley Stadium for an NFL game in just over two weeks. After that, and admittedly part of my naïvety, 10 days later we intend on going to the racing at Kempton for our birthdays. That'll be just 2 weeks shy of our due date, so we are really cutting it fine.
Jackeline herself is starting to struggle. Sleeping in bed is getting more and more uncomfortable, so we've recently resorted to a pile of cushions in the front room. I actually prefer this, and Jackeline seems to be sleeping better there too so no complaints from either of us really - other than the fact it makes our house look a bit of a mess.
She has just over 3 weeks left of work before she starts her maternity leave. She's done so well to get this far, but she is finding it really difficult now. She's literally counting down the days, she has a countdown on her wall at work.
Me? I just don't want to be too far away from her at any point. I've heard a couple of stories recently where the father didn't make it in time for the birth, and I'd be absolutely gutted if I couldn't make it there to support Jackeline through this. Being at work is the best part of an hour's journey home, and that's about as far as I'd be willing to risk it!
We have a doctor's appointment on Friday, which will be nice for me as I've missed the last two. I've been sent voice clips of baby's heartbeat from Jackeline each time, and it's just magical to receive those - but being there in person is what it's all about.
Anyway, I reckon I have one more update in me before baby is born so I'll post again in a month or so and we'll see where the land lies! Very exciting!
I'm sort of in denial at the moment. I feel like we have ages. I'm making plans as though it's definitely going to happen around the due date, but I really could be in for a surprise.
We had our baby shower yesterday, which was lovely. Good to see a few faces we haven't seen for a while and to enjoy the company of those we only see at work.. We had intended on it being outside, but the weather wasn't too kind to us and we brought it inside pretty early on which was a bit cramped but worked well enough! We had the guests all guess at which names we might have picked, and so I'm keeping quiet as to whether anybody got the right one..!
Plans from here? Relax. Enjoy the last few weeks of this, make everything as stress free as possible.
We've always had little checkpoints along the way that we've been ticking off - we had the scans, the trip to Lanzarote, the trip to France, the Baby Shower. Next up is Wembley Stadium for an NFL game in just over two weeks. After that, and admittedly part of my naïvety, 10 days later we intend on going to the racing at Kempton for our birthdays. That'll be just 2 weeks shy of our due date, so we are really cutting it fine.
Jackeline herself is starting to struggle. Sleeping in bed is getting more and more uncomfortable, so we've recently resorted to a pile of cushions in the front room. I actually prefer this, and Jackeline seems to be sleeping better there too so no complaints from either of us really - other than the fact it makes our house look a bit of a mess.
She has just over 3 weeks left of work before she starts her maternity leave. She's done so well to get this far, but she is finding it really difficult now. She's literally counting down the days, she has a countdown on her wall at work.
Me? I just don't want to be too far away from her at any point. I've heard a couple of stories recently where the father didn't make it in time for the birth, and I'd be absolutely gutted if I couldn't make it there to support Jackeline through this. Being at work is the best part of an hour's journey home, and that's about as far as I'd be willing to risk it!
We have a doctor's appointment on Friday, which will be nice for me as I've missed the last two. I've been sent voice clips of baby's heartbeat from Jackeline each time, and it's just magical to receive those - but being there in person is what it's all about.
Anyway, I reckon I have one more update in me before baby is born so I'll post again in a month or so and we'll see where the land lies! Very exciting!
Thursday 17 August 2017
Day 185
Yesterday we hit the 31 week point. It feels as though we're approaching the home stretch, but this could well be the longest 2 months ever.
We've recently had a fantastic weekend in France, our final chance to get away with nothing to worry about but ourselves... it was truly fantastic, and we had such a good time. We considered it our baby-moon, and it couldn't have gone much better.
We've also decided that we're going to look into moving house, which is an additional stress but I gather a lot of couples seem to do this as their first baby is imminent. We've been renting for years, but we now have this overwhelming need to live in our own place, somewhere we can call home for many years to come.. so we continue to save, save, save - but you know what? It's very satisfying to save. I did always wonder how I manage to spend my wages, but I did often treat myself - I've had my fair share of beers and takeaways, but now I'm stamping that out and setting myself strict weekly budgets, and I've been fine. I don't feel as though I'm missing out on anything - in fact I feel like I'm gaining responsibility, I'm investing in the future.
Jackeline is pretty much constantly in pain now. Sleep is becoming a real puzzle because she just can't find a position where she can be comfortable, no matter how many pillows we throw in. I'm losing space in the bed too. I've set up a soft area on the floor where I can sleep if I do find myself lurking perilously on the edge of the mattress, but I know she'd be upset if I had to resort to that.
We're both getting a bit tired of this whole pregnancy thing to be honest... But it continues to be amazing too. The moments before bed when we watch baby rolling around, we can see Jackeline's belly moving. I'm hypnotised by it. I'll give her belly a kiss in the morning, and every now and then I'll receive a little kick back. My little connection with my unborn daughter.
Things are good. Baby appears to be healthy still, Jackeline is doing an incredible job of looking after her and I still feel as though we're in our little bubble going through this together.
I am finding it difficult to moan though, you know? I can't rightly get home and say how tired I am, or how my body aches - because it'll be nothing compared to what Jackeline is going through. I basically have to get my act together. I can't get away with feeling sorry for myself any more.
For what it's worth, I have been tired a lot lately.. But as I've been reminded so regularly, it's only going to get worse.
Jackeline is pretty much constantly in pain now. Sleep is becoming a real puzzle because she just can't find a position where she can be comfortable, no matter how many pillows we throw in. I'm losing space in the bed too. I've set up a soft area on the floor where I can sleep if I do find myself lurking perilously on the edge of the mattress, but I know she'd be upset if I had to resort to that.
We're both getting a bit tired of this whole pregnancy thing to be honest... But it continues to be amazing too. The moments before bed when we watch baby rolling around, we can see Jackeline's belly moving. I'm hypnotised by it. I'll give her belly a kiss in the morning, and every now and then I'll receive a little kick back. My little connection with my unborn daughter.
Things are good. Baby appears to be healthy still, Jackeline is doing an incredible job of looking after her and I still feel as though we're in our little bubble going through this together.
I am finding it difficult to moan though, you know? I can't rightly get home and say how tired I am, or how my body aches - because it'll be nothing compared to what Jackeline is going through. I basically have to get my act together. I can't get away with feeling sorry for myself any more.
For what it's worth, I have been tired a lot lately.. But as I've been reminded so regularly, it's only going to get worse.
Wednesday 2 August 2017
Day 170
I'm growing up.
I'm also becoming impatient. Organised. Twitchy. Relaxed. Scared. Proud. A whole host of contrasting adjectives, none of which stay around for any extended period of time.
My stubble is sprouting white hair by hair, but my heart is feeling youthfully excited. I'm basically a walking, sleeping and sitting contradiction waiting to know which parts of my character will be imprinted on this little rabbit when she is born.
I've always been a fan of magic. Always been thrilled by the unknown, and always wanted to remain in the blissfully ignorant, not wanting to know the secrets to a truly impressive magic trick. This isn't quite as fanciful as pulling a rabbit out of a hat, but bear with me on this metaphor.
Jackeline is the magician. She is quite literally creating something out of nothing, doing things I do not understand. Things that don't make sense to me, things so amazing that I don't even want to know how they work. Her body is creating a human where there wasn't one before. Get your head around that!? With many a famous magician, you can usually figure out what they do to create the illusion - the difference here is that it isn't an illusion. This is real. I have the best seat in this little theatre, watching the slowest magic trick unfold before my very eyes. What an outstanding piece of art, a wonderful masterpiece, the most spectacular of events.
She appears to be doing it with consummate ease too. Yes, she may be uncomfortable at times but I'm sure Houdini wasn't exactly having a relaxing time when he was mid-trick either.
On the whole, I am overawed, thrilled and bursting with anticipation. I cannot wait to see how this trick unfolds, and I just know that the big finale is going to be incredible. I want it to end but I don't want to stop watching.
What a show. What a magician. What an absolute honour this experience is.
I love my little family. My wife and my unborn daughter. They are beyond human to me at the moment. I'm sure that they will soon become very human and very real, but for now I'm happily swept away by my own childish innocence, overawed by their brilliance and absolutely enchanted by their magical ways.
I'm also becoming impatient. Organised. Twitchy. Relaxed. Scared. Proud. A whole host of contrasting adjectives, none of which stay around for any extended period of time.
My stubble is sprouting white hair by hair, but my heart is feeling youthfully excited. I'm basically a walking, sleeping and sitting contradiction waiting to know which parts of my character will be imprinted on this little rabbit when she is born.
I've always been a fan of magic. Always been thrilled by the unknown, and always wanted to remain in the blissfully ignorant, not wanting to know the secrets to a truly impressive magic trick. This isn't quite as fanciful as pulling a rabbit out of a hat, but bear with me on this metaphor.
Jackeline is the magician. She is quite literally creating something out of nothing, doing things I do not understand. Things that don't make sense to me, things so amazing that I don't even want to know how they work. Her body is creating a human where there wasn't one before. Get your head around that!? With many a famous magician, you can usually figure out what they do to create the illusion - the difference here is that it isn't an illusion. This is real. I have the best seat in this little theatre, watching the slowest magic trick unfold before my very eyes. What an outstanding piece of art, a wonderful masterpiece, the most spectacular of events.
She appears to be doing it with consummate ease too. Yes, she may be uncomfortable at times but I'm sure Houdini wasn't exactly having a relaxing time when he was mid-trick either.
On the whole, I am overawed, thrilled and bursting with anticipation. I cannot wait to see how this trick unfolds, and I just know that the big finale is going to be incredible. I want it to end but I don't want to stop watching.
What a show. What a magician. What an absolute honour this experience is.
I love my little family. My wife and my unborn daughter. They are beyond human to me at the moment. I'm sure that they will soon become very human and very real, but for now I'm happily swept away by my own childish innocence, overawed by their brilliance and absolutely enchanted by their magical ways.
Friday 30 June 2017
Day 137
The moment you've all been waiting for?
We will be having a baby girl.
I must say, I'm absolutely chuffed.
I didn't think it mattered to me. I wouldn't have been disheartened if it turned out we were having a boy, but I had convinced myself that we were having a girl and when the nurse was about to tell us, I found myself urging it on in my head. It seems I really wanted to have a little girl, and perhaps didn't want to admit to myself that I had a preference.
I always imagined I'd want a boy first. I don't really know why, perhaps I could just relate to a little boy more because at the end of the day, I was a boy once.. But as this process has gone on, having a girl has made more sense to me. I can't explain why.
One of the things Jackeline is keen to ensure is that I have a strong bond with the baby. It's very natural for a baby to be close to their Mother, that's fine - but to be close to their Father from a young age takes a bit of time and effort and both Jackeline and I are keen for that to be the case. I'll be holding her, looking after her, changing her nappies often and bathing her. Of course Jackeline will be doing this too, but we'll be consciously trying to keep me involved. Even with feeding, which is very much a Mother thing to do, I'm going to be there so that when she looks up she sees both of her parents being part of that process.
I cannot wait to meet her.
Yes, we have a name for her. We won't be telling anyone until she is born.
The past month in general has been fantastic. I feel as though Jackeline and I are forming a really strong partnership and we're really proud of one another. Her belly is getting quite big now and baby will be doubling in weight over the next 4 weeks, so there are plenty more aches and pains on the way, but she is doing so well and I'm doing everything I can to keep her comfortable.
We've been swimming together a couple of times, and I absolutely adore it. I'll do my lengths for fitness, and then I'll join Jackeline swimming up and down in the slower lane. I'll swim underwater and just watch her belly, imagining a little baby kicking along and helping push forwards. I can't get that image out of my head, I'll have to try and draw it at some point.
We've booked ourselves a little trip away to Lanzarote where our friend, Dave, lives. We'll be there for a long weekend starting a week from now. It'll be really nice, and we're looking forward to being able to relax for a couple of days, we can give the bump her first little swim in the sea.
We're also getting away at the start of August to visit my Dad in France. It's his birthday on the 5th so we'll spend a couple of nights with him before spending a night in Paris - Jackeline has never been to Paris, and it'd be lovely to go whilst it is still the two of us, though I'm sure our little passenger will ensure she isn't forgotten about!
So yea, we have a couple of things to look forward to and all is going smoothly so far. Thank you for reading!
We will be having a baby girl.
I must say, I'm absolutely chuffed.
I didn't think it mattered to me. I wouldn't have been disheartened if it turned out we were having a boy, but I had convinced myself that we were having a girl and when the nurse was about to tell us, I found myself urging it on in my head. It seems I really wanted to have a little girl, and perhaps didn't want to admit to myself that I had a preference.
I always imagined I'd want a boy first. I don't really know why, perhaps I could just relate to a little boy more because at the end of the day, I was a boy once.. But as this process has gone on, having a girl has made more sense to me. I can't explain why.
One of the things Jackeline is keen to ensure is that I have a strong bond with the baby. It's very natural for a baby to be close to their Mother, that's fine - but to be close to their Father from a young age takes a bit of time and effort and both Jackeline and I are keen for that to be the case. I'll be holding her, looking after her, changing her nappies often and bathing her. Of course Jackeline will be doing this too, but we'll be consciously trying to keep me involved. Even with feeding, which is very much a Mother thing to do, I'm going to be there so that when she looks up she sees both of her parents being part of that process.
I cannot wait to meet her.
Yes, we have a name for her. We won't be telling anyone until she is born.
The past month in general has been fantastic. I feel as though Jackeline and I are forming a really strong partnership and we're really proud of one another. Her belly is getting quite big now and baby will be doubling in weight over the next 4 weeks, so there are plenty more aches and pains on the way, but she is doing so well and I'm doing everything I can to keep her comfortable.
We've been swimming together a couple of times, and I absolutely adore it. I'll do my lengths for fitness, and then I'll join Jackeline swimming up and down in the slower lane. I'll swim underwater and just watch her belly, imagining a little baby kicking along and helping push forwards. I can't get that image out of my head, I'll have to try and draw it at some point.
We've booked ourselves a little trip away to Lanzarote where our friend, Dave, lives. We'll be there for a long weekend starting a week from now. It'll be really nice, and we're looking forward to being able to relax for a couple of days, we can give the bump her first little swim in the sea.
We're also getting away at the start of August to visit my Dad in France. It's his birthday on the 5th so we'll spend a couple of nights with him before spending a night in Paris - Jackeline has never been to Paris, and it'd be lovely to go whilst it is still the two of us, though I'm sure our little passenger will ensure she isn't forgotten about!
So yea, we have a couple of things to look forward to and all is going smoothly so far. Thank you for reading!
Day 102
100 days in, 19 weeks complete. This is mad. We're so close to the halfway stage, June is round the corner and the sun is shining.
On the 14th we find out if our baby is going to be Pink or Blue. I've convinced myself we're having a girl, but I've been a bit less confident in that lately.
Everything was perfectly fine at the GP. We even got to listen to the heartbeat, which was a huge relief to Jackeline as she was worried that she hadn't felt anything (even if it was very early)... But then lo and behold, a couple of days later she lay flat on her back, hands on her belly and she felt movement! It was magical to see her face light up.
Of course, I immediately put my hand down to feel it too but I couldn't.. Not to start with anyway. After a while I felt a little flicker on the palm of my hand, and then I went to put my cheek to her bump an felt a little tap. I've never been so happy to be kicked in the face!
At home we've watched just about every available episode of One Born Every Minute. I bought Jackeline a little traingular wedge cushion to give her support when she's lying down, and we're going to move things around in our spare room in order to facilitate a nursery of sorts.
Jackeline herself is just getting more and more beautiful as this goes on. I've heard about a pregnancy glow, but I thought it was just at thing people say.. But she really has it, and a few people have commented on it. She's still quite sensitive though, and when I told her this morning that her feet smell, she cried.
As for me, I'm starting to understand why a Father to be could feel left out. When Jackeline sits there and tells me 'baby is awake' because she can feel it moving, I kinda wish I could feel that too - but that's all. It's an amazing experience for her body to go through, and I'm just blessed to be witnessing the whole thing and taking part as much as I can. I certainly don't envy the negatives that come along with it, so it's only fair she feels a true benefit once in a while.
She's having moments when she can barely walk now, usually after sitting down for a long time. She'll get quite a lot of pain in her lower back and she'll struggle to get around - but once she's moving again, she's fine... it's just those initial steps.
So yea, the next thing to look forward to is our next scan! As I said, that's on the 14th which is 19 days away so look out for blog 'Day 121' or something shortly after...
Thanks for reading :)
Day 88
The secret is out. We've pretty much told everybody now.
Jackeline is over the sicky feelings, but still gets aches and pains. That'll only get worse as she has scoliosis, meaning that she has a curvature of the spine. When she leans back, her little bump goes off the the left because that is the way her back is shaped.. It's funny to see, but can lead to a whole load of complications.
She thinks she's been pretty normal, but there are a few things that have happened which certainly would've have happened before.
Firstly, the emotions. She cried for 4 or 5 contradicting reasons the other day.. "I'm tired of being pregnant", "I love being pregnant", "you're doing so much for me and I feel bad", "you haven't done this for ages..." and so on.
She came to bed a couple of nights ago with a bit of a face on her, I asked what was up and she said "The toothepaste is too foamy". I mean, seriously. What do you want me to do with that?
So I laughed in her face.
Overall though, she has been good. Cravings tend to centre around citrus fruits and Colombian food. A family friend seems to be in tune with it though, because every time she tells me "I fancy this for lunch" she'll get a text saying "I'm cooking this tomorrow, do you want some?" - and it just works out nicely!
She's getting a little frustrated about the fact that she can't feel the baby yet. We're into our 17th week, which means we've completed 4 months. Google tells me it's unlikely that she'll feel the baby until weeks 18-20, and even then it'd just be a flutter here and there. I think there's nothing to worry about, but try telling a pregnant lady that. She's always taken pride in her intuition, and if she feels like something is wrong, in her mind something must be wrong.
From a Father-to-be perspective, I'm getting on well. She asked me recently if I feel left out because she read on her app that I may do, but I don't. Every night I'll rub coconut oil onto her belly, which has led to me calling the baby "baby coconut". I'll rub down Jackeline's back too, especially when it's aching, and I'll occasionally sing a little song to the bump as it should now have developed the ability to hear. I don't feel left out at all. I'm part of this creation, and I know that. Jackeline knows that too and so does everybody else. I'm proud when I see people rubbing her belly, and I'm excited to see our baby at the next scan.
So yea, overall things are getting along nicely. We have an appointment at the GP tomorrow which is meant to be a 16 week check, though it'll be more like 17.5.. but that's fine. Jackeline has a bunch of questions, and I'm hoping they'll simply put her mind at ease..
That's it! Until next time :)
Jackeline is over the sicky feelings, but still gets aches and pains. That'll only get worse as she has scoliosis, meaning that she has a curvature of the spine. When she leans back, her little bump goes off the the left because that is the way her back is shaped.. It's funny to see, but can lead to a whole load of complications.
She thinks she's been pretty normal, but there are a few things that have happened which certainly would've have happened before.
Firstly, the emotions. She cried for 4 or 5 contradicting reasons the other day.. "I'm tired of being pregnant", "I love being pregnant", "you're doing so much for me and I feel bad", "you haven't done this for ages..." and so on.
She came to bed a couple of nights ago with a bit of a face on her, I asked what was up and she said "The toothepaste is too foamy". I mean, seriously. What do you want me to do with that?
So I laughed in her face.
Overall though, she has been good. Cravings tend to centre around citrus fruits and Colombian food. A family friend seems to be in tune with it though, because every time she tells me "I fancy this for lunch" she'll get a text saying "I'm cooking this tomorrow, do you want some?" - and it just works out nicely!
She's getting a little frustrated about the fact that she can't feel the baby yet. We're into our 17th week, which means we've completed 4 months. Google tells me it's unlikely that she'll feel the baby until weeks 18-20, and even then it'd just be a flutter here and there. I think there's nothing to worry about, but try telling a pregnant lady that. She's always taken pride in her intuition, and if she feels like something is wrong, in her mind something must be wrong.
From a Father-to-be perspective, I'm getting on well. She asked me recently if I feel left out because she read on her app that I may do, but I don't. Every night I'll rub coconut oil onto her belly, which has led to me calling the baby "baby coconut". I'll rub down Jackeline's back too, especially when it's aching, and I'll occasionally sing a little song to the bump as it should now have developed the ability to hear. I don't feel left out at all. I'm part of this creation, and I know that. Jackeline knows that too and so does everybody else. I'm proud when I see people rubbing her belly, and I'm excited to see our baby at the next scan.
So yea, overall things are getting along nicely. We have an appointment at the GP tomorrow which is meant to be a 16 week check, though it'll be more like 17.5.. but that's fine. Jackeline has a bunch of questions, and I'm hoping they'll simply put her mind at ease..
That's it! Until next time :)
Day 65
Bit of a leap since my last update!
Yesterday was a huge day for us. Our 12 week scan.. It actually came up on what we thought was our 13th week, and during the scan we discovered that we're closer to 14 weeks!
The scan itself wasn't booked until 15:45. I'd booked the day off work as holiday, making excuses for wanting to enjoy the Bank Holiday weekend, having worked on Sunday. Jackeline had to work a half day, and took the afternoon off with a Doctor's appointment. She'd applied for holiday already but was denied.
The day itself dragged! I was at home alone, not knowing what to do with myself. I ended up leaving 10 minutes early for the train, just because I couldn't wait any longer.
We arrived 2 hours early so went to get lunch from Nando's. The excitement was starting to build.
After finishing our food, we headed towards the building where the scan takes place. We were still 30 minutes early, but we just couldn't wait any longer.
We were called through at half 3, so we did get seen early. I was kept outside whilst they took blood from Jackeline, and I assumed measured her height/weight and blood pressure. A short wait after that, we were taken into a quiet room where the scan was to take place.
It was just unreal.
They applied the gel below Jackeline's belly button, and then we could see it. Our baby. It's real.
The heart was beating, and it kept stretching its legs out. Every now and then it'd look like it jumped, and was giving the lady a hard time scanning it because it just wouldn't stay still!
I'm going to refer to 'it' as a female from now on, because that's what I've decided she is.
We just both stared at this screen, smiles on our faces. We held hands, felt a bit emotional. I could've stayed there all day watching this little miracle, her tiny feet, her hands. We could see her profile so clearly, it was just fascinating. An experience that is just so insane, I fell in love.
We asked if we could get printouts of the images, but they weren't available so I took a couple of pictures on my phone and kept them.
As far as they can tell at this early stage, our baby is perfectly healthy. They can never say 100%, but they found no warning signs of anything major. She was measured, and the midwife lady said that Jackeline must be around 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant - making today the 14 week mark, and the due date 18th October.
All very exciting, and now we're going to start telling people.
My Dad is swinging by on Friday night, and then Jackeline and I are heading down to see my sister. Not sure whether my Mum will be there or not, but I hope she is because otherwise I'll be telling her over the phone.
Jackeline was going to tell her Mum last night, but it got too late. We'll see what tonight brings, I hope we can be celebrating on facetime with a few people in Colombia later on!
We're very cautious about everyone finding out, and hope that our friends and family respect our wishes to keep it off of social media. No amount of 'likes' will make it worthwhile. We want to be in control of who finds out when, because if, for instance, someone finds out on facebook before we've been able to tell them ourselves, we'll be gutted.
Anyway, that's it for today. Don't know when I'll update next.. Things are very real now, and I have a new love in my life. It's SO magical.
Yesterday was a huge day for us. Our 12 week scan.. It actually came up on what we thought was our 13th week, and during the scan we discovered that we're closer to 14 weeks!
The scan itself wasn't booked until 15:45. I'd booked the day off work as holiday, making excuses for wanting to enjoy the Bank Holiday weekend, having worked on Sunday. Jackeline had to work a half day, and took the afternoon off with a Doctor's appointment. She'd applied for holiday already but was denied.
The day itself dragged! I was at home alone, not knowing what to do with myself. I ended up leaving 10 minutes early for the train, just because I couldn't wait any longer.
We arrived 2 hours early so went to get lunch from Nando's. The excitement was starting to build.
After finishing our food, we headed towards the building where the scan takes place. We were still 30 minutes early, but we just couldn't wait any longer.
We were called through at half 3, so we did get seen early. I was kept outside whilst they took blood from Jackeline, and I assumed measured her height/weight and blood pressure. A short wait after that, we were taken into a quiet room where the scan was to take place.
It was just unreal.
They applied the gel below Jackeline's belly button, and then we could see it. Our baby. It's real.
The heart was beating, and it kept stretching its legs out. Every now and then it'd look like it jumped, and was giving the lady a hard time scanning it because it just wouldn't stay still!
I'm going to refer to 'it' as a female from now on, because that's what I've decided she is.
We just both stared at this screen, smiles on our faces. We held hands, felt a bit emotional. I could've stayed there all day watching this little miracle, her tiny feet, her hands. We could see her profile so clearly, it was just fascinating. An experience that is just so insane, I fell in love.
We asked if we could get printouts of the images, but they weren't available so I took a couple of pictures on my phone and kept them.
As far as they can tell at this early stage, our baby is perfectly healthy. They can never say 100%, but they found no warning signs of anything major. She was measured, and the midwife lady said that Jackeline must be around 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant - making today the 14 week mark, and the due date 18th October.
All very exciting, and now we're going to start telling people.
My Dad is swinging by on Friday night, and then Jackeline and I are heading down to see my sister. Not sure whether my Mum will be there or not, but I hope she is because otherwise I'll be telling her over the phone.
Jackeline was going to tell her Mum last night, but it got too late. We'll see what tonight brings, I hope we can be celebrating on facetime with a few people in Colombia later on!
We're very cautious about everyone finding out, and hope that our friends and family respect our wishes to keep it off of social media. No amount of 'likes' will make it worthwhile. We want to be in control of who finds out when, because if, for instance, someone finds out on facebook before we've been able to tell them ourselves, we'll be gutted.
Anyway, that's it for today. Don't know when I'll update next.. Things are very real now, and I have a new love in my life. It's SO magical.
Day 24
We've kept our secret for 24 days now, and it has become rather straightforward.
The dust has settled, and it is all beginning to sink in. We received our letter from the midwife (literally the day after my last post) and we have two appointments booked in. The first one is on March 18th, which is ideal date wise - I'm away to the Cheltenham Festival on the 16th & 17th, and I'm doing the Hastings Half Marathon on the 19th. I'll have a hire car for the duration, so it slots in beautifully.
I'd be lying if I were to say I wasn't nervous about this appointment. As much as we need to keep positive, it is at this stage where we are most likely to get some bad news. I'm getting this worried feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just hope that everything is fine and healthy.
Our next appointment after this is for the 12 week scan, which will be on April 18th. This is the point at which we will let people know - just after Easter. Which means I can celebrate with a bottle of fizz, because lent will be over!
That'll be a big milestone, and will be the first time we'll see our baby taking shape. I cannot wait!
Over the past week, we've discussed baby names. We've always discussed baby names, but we go through phases. We used to like certain ones that we are no longer fond of, and some that we disregarded ages ago are coming back into the picture.
I think we've now settled on a name for both a boy and a girl.
We've also come to the conclusion that we will find out the gender when we get the option. I've known a lot of people keep it a secret from themselves, but ultimately I don't really see the point. It'll be a surprise to us whenever we find out, so why not find out sooner?
That's pretty much it for today - just a little update. Not a lot going on. Jackeline is still tired and nauseous, and I'm still plodding along with work and marathon training.
Thanks for reading.
The dust has settled, and it is all beginning to sink in. We received our letter from the midwife (literally the day after my last post) and we have two appointments booked in. The first one is on March 18th, which is ideal date wise - I'm away to the Cheltenham Festival on the 16th & 17th, and I'm doing the Hastings Half Marathon on the 19th. I'll have a hire car for the duration, so it slots in beautifully.
I'd be lying if I were to say I wasn't nervous about this appointment. As much as we need to keep positive, it is at this stage where we are most likely to get some bad news. I'm getting this worried feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I just hope that everything is fine and healthy.
Our next appointment after this is for the 12 week scan, which will be on April 18th. This is the point at which we will let people know - just after Easter. Which means I can celebrate with a bottle of fizz, because lent will be over!
That'll be a big milestone, and will be the first time we'll see our baby taking shape. I cannot wait!
Over the past week, we've discussed baby names. We've always discussed baby names, but we go through phases. We used to like certain ones that we are no longer fond of, and some that we disregarded ages ago are coming back into the picture.
I think we've now settled on a name for both a boy and a girl.
We've also come to the conclusion that we will find out the gender when we get the option. I've known a lot of people keep it a secret from themselves, but ultimately I don't really see the point. It'll be a surprise to us whenever we find out, so why not find out sooner?
That's pretty much it for today - just a little update. Not a lot going on. Jackeline is still tired and nauseous, and I'm still plodding along with work and marathon training.
Thanks for reading.
Day 16
Time doesn't half drag when you're counting down to 12 weeks!
Today we hit the 6 week mark, but we're only 16 days into discovering the news and it feels like forever.
We had our appointment with the doctor last week. It was lovely, and the doctor was great. Nothing intrusive or anything, just a general health talk and it was great to tell someone our secret! Jackeline was advised to do pilates or go swimming to strengthen her core and we were simply informed of the next steps. We're now waiting to hear from the midwife who will take over from hereon. We've yet to hear anything, but today is literally the second working day since we were at the doctors, so we shall remain patient.
Jackeline continues to feel sick. She wasn't well at all yesterday morning, so called in sick to work. She improved as the day went on but generally it comes and goes in waves. She'll feel sick, but then eating something seems to help that out.. She'll then be ok for a short while before getting cramps and then back to feeling sick.
No weird cravings just yet. I popped to the shop to pick up some ice cream for her, and she texted me asking to buy a couple of oranges too - though this is out of the ordinary, I wouldn't call it weird.
We went to a friends house for dinner on Saturday, which was delicious. They're expecting their first child, due in June, so baby talk was standard. We were asked when kids will be on the cards for us, and Jackeline went bright red and looked at me. I was expecting her to cover it up, but she didn't at all! After a moment of silence, I cut in with "we're open to the idea" but I'm pretty confident they knew they'd caught us out. Politely, they didn't push that line of questioning any further.
On a personal note, I've been taking better care of myself over the past couple of weeks. Training for a half marathon helps, but I've committed to that more than I had done previously. I want to ensure I stay in good shape for the rest of the year, and not just up to March! My alcohol intake has dropped significantly. I had a glass of wine with dinner on Saturday, and I've bought a few non alcoholic beers for home. Food wise, I've not had a takeaway for a while now and am saving money that way.
Financially, we're becoming reclusive to try and save. My main expenditures lately have been fitness related (protein powder, new running shoes) and paying off debts. I've set myself a savings target for October, as maternity/paternity pay can be pretty shocking! So we'll need a buffer for when that comes round.
So things are now starting to take shape. We're just tapping our feet impatiently waiting to hear from the midwife, and then we'll have more of an idea of where we're at!
Thanks for reading.
Today we hit the 6 week mark, but we're only 16 days into discovering the news and it feels like forever.
We had our appointment with the doctor last week. It was lovely, and the doctor was great. Nothing intrusive or anything, just a general health talk and it was great to tell someone our secret! Jackeline was advised to do pilates or go swimming to strengthen her core and we were simply informed of the next steps. We're now waiting to hear from the midwife who will take over from hereon. We've yet to hear anything, but today is literally the second working day since we were at the doctors, so we shall remain patient.
Jackeline continues to feel sick. She wasn't well at all yesterday morning, so called in sick to work. She improved as the day went on but generally it comes and goes in waves. She'll feel sick, but then eating something seems to help that out.. She'll then be ok for a short while before getting cramps and then back to feeling sick.
No weird cravings just yet. I popped to the shop to pick up some ice cream for her, and she texted me asking to buy a couple of oranges too - though this is out of the ordinary, I wouldn't call it weird.
We went to a friends house for dinner on Saturday, which was delicious. They're expecting their first child, due in June, so baby talk was standard. We were asked when kids will be on the cards for us, and Jackeline went bright red and looked at me. I was expecting her to cover it up, but she didn't at all! After a moment of silence, I cut in with "we're open to the idea" but I'm pretty confident they knew they'd caught us out. Politely, they didn't push that line of questioning any further.
On a personal note, I've been taking better care of myself over the past couple of weeks. Training for a half marathon helps, but I've committed to that more than I had done previously. I want to ensure I stay in good shape for the rest of the year, and not just up to March! My alcohol intake has dropped significantly. I had a glass of wine with dinner on Saturday, and I've bought a few non alcoholic beers for home. Food wise, I've not had a takeaway for a while now and am saving money that way.
Financially, we're becoming reclusive to try and save. My main expenditures lately have been fitness related (protein powder, new running shoes) and paying off debts. I've set myself a savings target for October, as maternity/paternity pay can be pretty shocking! So we'll need a buffer for when that comes round.
So things are now starting to take shape. We're just tapping our feet impatiently waiting to hear from the midwife, and then we'll have more of an idea of where we're at!
Thanks for reading.
Day 9
Over a week has passed since we found out the news, and the excitement is still bubbling away inside of me.
We have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning, and I can't wait.
For me, keeping the secret has been relatively straightforward. I think as a male, I generally don't have to fend off too many questions about starting a family so I simply give the 'it'll happen when it happens' response and leave it at that.
Jackeline, on the other hand, has been getting pretty tired. She's started feeling nauseous, and is generally getting a few early signs that her body is changing. Hiding this from the world is going to be more difficult for her, especially as she works so closely to a few other girls who will be able to spot the symptoms.
Socially, we were at a family birthday party on Sunday - my nephew turned 4 - and so we were surrounded by little kids and other family members. It was fine, and we expected to get a couple of questions about it as any married couple do, but I didn't have any directed at me. Jackeline had a conversation with one person about kids, but as Jackeline's sister is also pregnant she managed to deflect the conversation towards becoming an Auntie instead.
My Dad had been keen all day to take Jackeline and I out for a pub lunch, away from the party. We both felt like he had something to ask or say, but he never quite got round to it. I've reduced my alcohol intake, and Jackeline is being careful with everything, so one round in the pub was plenty and we went our separate ways after a short while.
Later that evening, my sister texted me simply saying "Did Dad ask you about babies?".
It seems that he asked my sister a few times earlier in the day whether Jackeline was pregnant. Maybe he has a sixth sense for it, or maybe he was just having a bit of a guess - either way, finding this out upset me a little for two reasons.
Firstly, because he thinks I'd tell my sister ahead of him. One thing I've said to Jackeline is that when I tell my Mum, I'll also tell my Dad and my Sister. It'll happen at 12 weeks, unless there's reason to tell someone before - for example, I have a half marathon in Hastings at the 8 week point, leaving Jackeline with my Mum for a couple of hours. If Jackeline gets unwell or tired, she may have to confide in my Mum - but that's purely circumstantial.
Secondly this upset me a little because it then becomes gossip. What if we were continuing to have issues getting pregnant? Or even if we weren't trying at all... It can be a pretty sensitive subject.
My sister dealt with it well, and sent me the following text;
"He kept asking if Jackeline was pregnant, and I was like 'you can't ask that!' (PS - whenever she is, tell everyone in your own sweet time)"
It made me think that she maybe senses that Jackeline is pregnant too, but that she has my back. My sister is a nurse, and has two kids of her own.. I expect her to by hyper aware of the telltale signs, even if we don't think we're giving any away. Perhaps we just seemed more 'in love' than we have done for a while, I don't know.
And on that note, we do feel more 'in love' - if there's a scale to it. We're far closer at the moment than we have been in a long while. It's almost as if the animals will gather round to whistle a merry tune with us.. Sickening, no?
We have a doctor's appointment on Friday morning, and I can't wait.
For me, keeping the secret has been relatively straightforward. I think as a male, I generally don't have to fend off too many questions about starting a family so I simply give the 'it'll happen when it happens' response and leave it at that.
Jackeline, on the other hand, has been getting pretty tired. She's started feeling nauseous, and is generally getting a few early signs that her body is changing. Hiding this from the world is going to be more difficult for her, especially as she works so closely to a few other girls who will be able to spot the symptoms.
Socially, we were at a family birthday party on Sunday - my nephew turned 4 - and so we were surrounded by little kids and other family members. It was fine, and we expected to get a couple of questions about it as any married couple do, but I didn't have any directed at me. Jackeline had a conversation with one person about kids, but as Jackeline's sister is also pregnant she managed to deflect the conversation towards becoming an Auntie instead.
My Dad had been keen all day to take Jackeline and I out for a pub lunch, away from the party. We both felt like he had something to ask or say, but he never quite got round to it. I've reduced my alcohol intake, and Jackeline is being careful with everything, so one round in the pub was plenty and we went our separate ways after a short while.
Later that evening, my sister texted me simply saying "Did Dad ask you about babies?".
It seems that he asked my sister a few times earlier in the day whether Jackeline was pregnant. Maybe he has a sixth sense for it, or maybe he was just having a bit of a guess - either way, finding this out upset me a little for two reasons.
Firstly, because he thinks I'd tell my sister ahead of him. One thing I've said to Jackeline is that when I tell my Mum, I'll also tell my Dad and my Sister. It'll happen at 12 weeks, unless there's reason to tell someone before - for example, I have a half marathon in Hastings at the 8 week point, leaving Jackeline with my Mum for a couple of hours. If Jackeline gets unwell or tired, she may have to confide in my Mum - but that's purely circumstantial.
Secondly this upset me a little because it then becomes gossip. What if we were continuing to have issues getting pregnant? Or even if we weren't trying at all... It can be a pretty sensitive subject.
My sister dealt with it well, and sent me the following text;
"He kept asking if Jackeline was pregnant, and I was like 'you can't ask that!' (PS - whenever she is, tell everyone in your own sweet time)"
It made me think that she maybe senses that Jackeline is pregnant too, but that she has my back. My sister is a nurse, and has two kids of her own.. I expect her to by hyper aware of the telltale signs, even if we don't think we're giving any away. Perhaps we just seemed more 'in love' than we have done for a while, I don't know.
And on that note, we do feel more 'in love' - if there's a scale to it. We're far closer at the moment than we have been in a long while. It's almost as if the animals will gather round to whistle a merry tune with us.. Sickening, no?
Day 1 - Reflection
I've only ever called one person 'Dad' before. It's a name that, to me, refers to just one person in the entire World.
The gravitas of that title being bestowed upon me has yet to really hit me. The responsibility that goes with it, the care and love. I am setting myself up to be somebody's idol, someone to directly look up to. I have also helped create something that will directly reflect Jackeline and I, and our abilities to be a Mum & Dad. Our ability to work as a team. This is real.
What's gone through my head today? SO much. I'm not worried what he/she looks like. I'm more worried about how we can creatively break this news to the world. Do we do a video? A clever picture? Or do we simply just keep it classy? Are there people we should tell immediately, or do we go through the first stages of this as just the two of us? How will Jackeline keep it a secret if she has sickness? We need to get a car. What weird stuff is Jackeline going to crave? Is she going to turn into a monster? Should I just spend the next 9 months sleeping as much as I can to make up for the fact I'll not sleep properly for ages after? What shall we call it?! Do we find out the gender? Does it really matter? I should probably cut down on my alcohol intake.. What is safe for Jackeline to eat?
I was walking towards a nearby village earlier, and I had a tough time keeping my emotions in check. I felt my perspective change. I walked differently, I felt taller. It was as though I could see myself from above, evolving into the next stage of adulthood. I've already got a pretty questionable sense of humour and my dancing at weddings can be fairly embarrassing, so that's at least two things ticked off the Dad list already.. I suppose there's a little more to it than that though.
I went to pick up a Valentine's Day card for Jackeline, and considered telling the shopkeeper our huge secret. I resisted, but the urge to shout it out from the tallest mountain is there. But no, Jackeline and I are keeping a secret from the entire world. This is OUR moment. We celebrated with a home cooked meal and a Disney film containing the song we had for our first dance.
I've never felt so in love with someone as I am with her right now. I'm SO full of pride. I know that she's going to be an incredible Mum, and that this little poppy seed is going to be loved by the vast array of incredible and unique people we have in our lives. We are so lucky.
But we must keep perspective. It is literally Day 1 for us, she's roughly 4 weeks pregnant. We can't really relax until around weeks 10-12. We must stay sensible, and take care of this delicate little package.
Overall I'm immensely proud, happy and excited. Terrified too, but that's normal. We've been sensible, and although our finances could be better and a car would be lovely, we're ready for this.
I won't be updating this daily, but I'll look to fill you in next week.
Much love x
The gravitas of that title being bestowed upon me has yet to really hit me. The responsibility that goes with it, the care and love. I am setting myself up to be somebody's idol, someone to directly look up to. I have also helped create something that will directly reflect Jackeline and I, and our abilities to be a Mum & Dad. Our ability to work as a team. This is real.
What's gone through my head today? SO much. I'm not worried what he/she looks like. I'm more worried about how we can creatively break this news to the world. Do we do a video? A clever picture? Or do we simply just keep it classy? Are there people we should tell immediately, or do we go through the first stages of this as just the two of us? How will Jackeline keep it a secret if she has sickness? We need to get a car. What weird stuff is Jackeline going to crave? Is she going to turn into a monster? Should I just spend the next 9 months sleeping as much as I can to make up for the fact I'll not sleep properly for ages after? What shall we call it?! Do we find out the gender? Does it really matter? I should probably cut down on my alcohol intake.. What is safe for Jackeline to eat?
I was walking towards a nearby village earlier, and I had a tough time keeping my emotions in check. I felt my perspective change. I walked differently, I felt taller. It was as though I could see myself from above, evolving into the next stage of adulthood. I've already got a pretty questionable sense of humour and my dancing at weddings can be fairly embarrassing, so that's at least two things ticked off the Dad list already.. I suppose there's a little more to it than that though.
I went to pick up a Valentine's Day card for Jackeline, and considered telling the shopkeeper our huge secret. I resisted, but the urge to shout it out from the tallest mountain is there. But no, Jackeline and I are keeping a secret from the entire world. This is OUR moment. We celebrated with a home cooked meal and a Disney film containing the song we had for our first dance.
I've never felt so in love with someone as I am with her right now. I'm SO full of pride. I know that she's going to be an incredible Mum, and that this little poppy seed is going to be loved by the vast array of incredible and unique people we have in our lives. We are so lucky.
But we must keep perspective. It is literally Day 1 for us, she's roughly 4 weeks pregnant. We can't really relax until around weeks 10-12. We must stay sensible, and take care of this delicate little package.
Overall I'm immensely proud, happy and excited. Terrified too, but that's normal. We've been sensible, and although our finances could be better and a car would be lovely, we're ready for this.
I won't be updating this daily, but I'll look to fill you in next week.
Much love x
Day 1 - Finding Out
Monday 13th February 2017. A day that never held any significance to me before, but will now forever be the day that my role in this World changed.
We had been trying to get pregnant since our first wedding anniversary in November. Something I never thought would cause any difficulties really, I thought the process was simple enough and that everything would go to plan.
The first pregnancy test we tried came back negative. We'd gone away to Iceland for a few days and I was so convinced we'd returned with a baby on board. I felt protective over Jackeline's every move. Everything she did, I ensured she took extra care and everything she consumed, I gave a quick risk assessment to.
It was disappointing, admittedly. We kept our brave faces on, but in reality I was gutted. What had we done wrong? Had I not taken enough care of myself? Was I simply not healthy enough? What if years of casual alcohol consumption had deemed my little swimmers unfit for purpose..?
Jackeline reassured me that it was perfectly normal, and that some people wait up to a year before getting pregnant. A quick google search backed up those claims, although it didn't make me feel much more at ease. We were just going to have to be patient, and I was going to have to accept that.
December was our second disappointment. We'd made the plan to check on Christmas Day, hoping for an extra special Christmas miracle - but again, it wasn't to be. We took the positives from this, at least Jackeline could relax and drink/eat whatever she wanted... We were gutted though, and I found it hard to take a second rejection.
December was our second disappointment. We'd made the plan to check on Christmas Day, hoping for an extra special Christmas miracle - but again, it wasn't to be. We took the positives from this, at least Jackeline could relax and drink/eat whatever she wanted... We were gutted though, and I found it hard to take a second rejection.
January came around pretty quickly, and once more we were due to take a test - I was approaching this date with pessimism, and rightly so. Jackeline's body told us quite firmly that there was no need for a test, this wasn't our month either. I took this one harder than I did the last and I'd essentially convinced myself that I couldn't get her naturally pregnant. I felt dejected and a bit useless, which got me down in the dumps. I was starting to genuinely think that we weren't going to make this happen, that it wasn't possible. I was starting to consider the fact that we might have to adopt one day, which is something we are both open to but only if we couldn't make it work ourselves.
As with any married couple, the question of kids always pops up. I was finding myself getting more and more sensitive to these questions. It was no longer a matter of choice, but it was something that wasn't happening anyway - I felt defensive. There could be a million reasons why a married couple don't have children, and most of them aren't because of a decision that has been made. It has certainly made me more aware of questions I ask long term couples.. It simply is none of my business, and if they want to confide in me then so be it.
Trying for a baby the fourth time after three failed attempts was tough. I had been taking care of my body, training for a half marathon and eating much healthier, but I just didn't think I was capable of making this work. My mood took a bit of a dip, and it had a negative affect on our relationship. I'm quite a sensitive chap, really. If I take something to heart, I really feel it and this was one of those things. I found it difficult particularly as I had nobody to talk to about this. It was our secret, but we were both trying our best and still failing. What can you do but keep trying?
Today, before I woke up, Jackeline took a pregnancy test. 4 months after we'd started trying.
She had told me she was due to take it on Valentine's Day, so I had absolutely no idea she was going to have a sneaky check a day early. It was barely on my mind, to be honest. I assumed we'd fail again, so I wasn't really counting down the days. It was more a matter of bracing myself before taking another blow of bad news.
That wasn't the case at all.
I heard her get up for work. I rolled over and continued to snooze. Just another normal morning.
The next thing I knew, she'd burst into the room, turned on the light and given me a Valentine's Day card. 'Fair enough', I thought. She's in a rush to get to work, and we had a little plan to celebrate Valentine's Day a day early. I open the card, half asleep.
I'm aware that she's picked up her phone and is filming my reaction.
The first line in the card read "This has to be one of the best days in my life".. 'Ok' I thought 'I mean, we got married and everything but some people do really like Valentine's Day' so I carried on reading. She'd drawn a little picture near the bottom but I had no idea what it was..
She continued to stare at me, camera phone pointing at me..
"One of the best days in your life?" I asked.
"YES!" she said as she whipped forward a positive pregnancy test from behind her back.
Utter shock. I froze. I didn't know what to say.
"PINGY!!" I said, my nickname for her... "It worked!!"
Emotions? Somewhere between shock, excitement, relief and disbelief followed by an overwhelming surge of pride and love. It's hard to describe, really. Shit just got real... I was now wide awake, and I grabbed her tight, giving her showers of hugs and kisses. I couldn't believe it.
The smile hasn't left my face all day.
The smile hasn't left my face all day.
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